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In a place, somewhere far far away, there's a magnificent jungle, full of life. Birds are singing, bugs are scurrying around, monkeys are flinging their poo. Everything is as it should be in this majestic place. 

Or so we thought . . .

Deep in the jungle, past the ancient trees, the beautiful animals, and the incredible waterfalls, there’s a huge, evil corporation with zero regard for the destruction they’re causing. I know, hard to believe. One day, these asshats straight up dumped a bunch of barrels of different toxic wastes into a river. That very same day . . . actually like two minutes later, a big, loud storm rolled in. Some may refer to this as a “thunderstorm”, since that’s what it’s called. This “thunderstorm” turned the river into rapids, and the toxic waste rushed down stream. As the chemicals and water came crashing over a waterfall, they all mixed together. Individually, these toxic chemicals were not a big deal. They would have just made animals sick, killed plants, and poisoned the water that the locals drank. Standard stuff. When mixed together though, something strange happened. There was a chemical reaction!!! That’s not the strange part . . . that’s just what chemicals do. They react, chemically. These chemicals blended together and turned into a substance unlike anything we’ve ever seen before! It was different, mutated, and seemed like it could hypothetically even interact in some bizarre ways with the cells and DNA of animals. Unbelievable how this is all lining up like this! As the storm started to weaken, the new, never before seen mutated goo stuff, now diluted in the water, gently continued down the river. As it makes its way over the hills and through the woods, it passes by apes that are drinking from the river. A lot of them. Apparently everyone was very thirsty this particular day (not in a sexual way, just regular thirsty). Chimpanzees, gorillas, orangutans, and bonobos. It even passes by a camp of environmental activists, where three homosapien apes are drinking directly from the river despite the fact that the CDC strongly recommends you don’t do that. As the apes drink the water, they unknowingly also consume the chemicals. THE NEW MUTATED CHEMICALS THAT HAVE NEVER EXISTED BEFORE THIS DAY! DUN DUN DUNNN.

These chemicals immediately enter the bloodstream of the apes. As it makes its way through their bodies and up into their brain, it latches on to the closest cells, and something odd starts to happen. The cells start to change, mutate, and turn yellow. The apes let out long yells and it’s clear that something is happening to them. 

Their skin is getting stronger.

Their muscles are getting bigger.

Their brains are getting extra wrinkly.

They yell out in fear, confusion, and/or the odd sensations that are reminiscent of a rapid and amplified puberty. One silverback gorilla lets out a mighty, frustrated rawr. When the rawr starts, it sounds normal, but as he continues to yell, it starts to turn into words. “RAWWWWWHAT THE HELL WAS IN THAT WATER!?!?” Miraculously, the words he speaks are in English despite the fact that apes don’t live in countries where English is the dominant language. He stops, completely baffled by why human words just came out of his mouth. Even more confusing is the fact that he can understand them, but the story moves on quickly. Off in the distance, the yells of apes can be heard as the nasty ass water reaches them. Some are scared, some are angry, others are just confused. As they gather themselves, one by one they begin a journey downstream, following the sounds of the half animal, half English screams. They even come across the three humans that drank the water. They already had wrinkly brains though, so it turns out that the chemicals instead gave them each a low level superpower, as well as severe diarrhea.

They all meet up and slowly come to the conclusion that this happened because of evil humans that don’t care about who they hurt. Now, these apes were already pretty upset with a lot of people, given the, you know, mass deforestation and environmental destruction in their region. They know that greed and evil must be stopped, and with their new unique set of skills, they’re just the ones to do it. They make a pact to defeat all evil, be it related to corrupt corporations, environmental destruction, serial killers, terrorist villians, or billionaires avoiding taxes. These apes unite together to become the most elite group the world has ever seen.


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